Behind it all

I was talking with a beloved friend yesterday who's going through some pretty difficult struggles in her life. When the subject turned to blogging she said: "I would blog, but they're always happy, and I don't have anything happy to say right now." That comment floated into my mind when I sat down tonight to write yet another "I'm so happy" post. I hate the idea of facades, and yet I, like most people I know, don't feel completely comfortable living without them. I clean up my house before a friend, even a really good friend, drops by. I attempt to look somewhat put together when I go out (though it probably doesn't look that way to most people!). When asked how I'm doing, I generally I say I'm fine even when I'm not- something that Eric has tried to beat out of me this week as I've dealt with insurance agents calling about our car accident. So I spent some time really thinking today: is my life truly as happy as it looks on my blog? Or is it just another facade?

I rarely blog about how disgusting my kitchen is at the moment, or the unkind thing I said to Eric, or how I smacked the dog on the nose for eating my flip-flop. But those things are not what make up me. The moments when I am my best self, when I take a moment to look at the lego ship Brigham has built, or help little Eric write a secret note, when I apologize to my husband without expecting anything in return, when I look at my thighs in the mirror and smile- that's me. Or the me I want to be all (or at least most) of the time. The me I am working toward. I just think it makes more sense to memorialize and share those good moments, because then maybe I'll have more of them. I'm pretty sure it works.

The boys and I opted to stay home from church today due to a VERY nasty strain of stomach flu circulating our ward. I forbade Eric from touching children and hard surfaces, and made him wash his hands twice when he got home. We have invested WAY to much time, energy and money into a positive birthing experience for either of us to be puking in the delivery room. Can you imagine? Anyway, when he got home and we had a quiet moment together, I said, thinking of the hours that the boys had spent drawing, playing in a puddle, building forts and being read to, "our kids have a good life". He answered, "WE have a good life". And we do. And what I want my friend, and all my friends and especially my family to know, is where that good life comes from:

It comes from the gospel of Jesus Christ. We believe that God knows each of us and cares about us and what we do in this life. We believe that we're here to give and learn and grow and become, to the best of our ability, like our Savior, and that after all that we can do, he will make up the difference. We believe that after we leave this life, we'll be together as a family in heaven- that our family will go on into eternity, and that the smiles and hugs and laughter we've shared on this earth are only a shadow of the happiness and closeness we'll feel together in the life to come.

The night after our car accident the boys fell asleep in our bed. I looked at them and saw, for the millionth time, how heartbreakingly fragile they are- from their little noses and eyelashes, to their sensitive spirits. I thought about how I would ever make it through life with such fragile little beings carrying my heart around inside their bodies, how I would ever find the strength to let them make the mistakes they will surely make, and feel the heartache they'll surely feel. But then I remembered that although our lives here on earth are fragile, the sealing ties that bind us together as family are not. And I have the power to make them stronger by striving every day to be as much like my Savior as I possibly can. I can't think of any greater motivation to keep trying, no matter how terrible I feel, or how many mistakes I make. That's what I hope comes across in my blog- that we're nowhere near a perfect family with perfect lives, but that we try very, very hard. And in that trying there is growth and in that growth there is joy.

If you would like to know more about our church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, you can follow the link on the right. We're excited to hear our prophet speak to us this weekend. It will be broadcast over the church website, and my prayer for my dear friend is that she'll be watching, and that she'll open her heart and hear something that will help her start to heal.