A few weeks ago I was at the doctor with Brigham. While we waited in the exam room I had a chance to peruse the walls, which were hung from floor to ceiling with degrees and awards earned by the doctor we were about to meet. Harvard. Duke. More Harvard. Associations. Leagues. Boards. Honored service. One was in Latin- I couldn't read it even though I took two years of Latin in High School. I felt small.In my mind I saw the walls rise up on either side of me. I stood in the middle, shrinking, until I was only two inches tall. Un-showered, baby on my hip, defensively wearing one of Eric's Duke Econ shirts in an attempt to get a little respect. Having three kids, looking younger than you are and flashing a medicaid card doesn't always make for the most pleasant treatment at doctors offices.
Then the doctor came in. She was lovely and nice. She answered my questions and calmed my worries about Brigham's eyes and those stupid patches that I was beginning to think would always be a part of his life. I felt a little better when I left, but I kept thinking about the feelings I had in that room. Feelings of inadequacy. Of worry that maybe I'm not doing enough with the life I've been given to live. That's one of my demons. It haunts me all the time, even though I do have a testimony of the sacred importance of motherhood and family.
Then the other morning I was eating breakfast at the kitchen table. I looked over at Marley in her highchair. She had blackberry jam all over her face and she looked so beautiful that my eyes teared up. A word floated into my head:
Offering.
I've never seen my children as offerings- only as gifts, burdens, little tornadoes that tear up my house and teach me about life, forcing me to dive deep into myself and see what I'm really made of. But in that moment I saw an offering, and I knew in a quiet, calm way that my offering is acceptable to God.
I have no doubt the demons will return- we all have them and it's never that easy to get them to go away. Maybe that's why I felt the need to write this post- to have a tangible reminder of the whisperings of the spirit in a quiet moment at the kitchen table.
P.S.- Cjane says today:
I will never feel sorry for a woman who seeks the best of what this life is offering, even if what she finds doesn't look like what I have found.
Amen.
8 comments:
Funny that you write this this week... I've been thinking about this subject (feeling happy/fulfilled in what you're doing) this week, as well. I had a moment like the one you describe yesterday.
Oh, and on the subject of looking younger than you are - my mom and I were at Wal-Mart the other day here in Rexburg, checking out and talking about something I can't remember. All of a sudden the checker looked up at me and said "Do you get carded a lot? Cause until you said that I thought you were 14." Gee...thanks.
I love cjane, and I love you. Thank you for the wonderful reminder today.
I think that we spend all our time becoming, becoming, becoming . . . who we think we are supposed to be. I like the days where I am content with what I am doing, and can stand back and appreciate that I enjoy being a mom, at least most of the time. Everything comes in stages, and I know some day, I will really miss these tender years when my little ones are still little, miss the times when they constantly call my name because they just want me to hear their little stories, or questions. It's taken me time, time to become comfortable with BEING mom, not "just" mom. I love that we get to continue to learn and grow as we choose, weather from books, or life in front of us. Who knows, maybe some day, I'll want to be doing something else as well, but right now, this, this is me. I just went and wrote a book on your blog, sorry, but I like what you said :)
I like it too!
You say things so well. I like the idea of children as offerings. You may look young for your age, but you are also so wise for your age. Thanks for the insight.
Beautiful. I wish I could remember this during the good times as well as when I am scrubbing taco soup off of my kitchen floor, and mediating fights all day long.
Thanks for the thoughts, Katie!
I so love your blog, Katie. You are so good at seeing life-lessons in such ordinary situations. Thanks for sharing.
I love these words you typed out for me.
Recently I was reading the blog of an amazing girl in Uganda--she's twenty one and the legal guardian of fourteen orphans living in the house she owns, oh, and she feeds three hundred other orphans each day. I read all of the comments about how inspiring her work and love are, and I added my own similar comment, too.
And then I got off the computer to take care of some things and I felt the questions you had come over me. I believe that the most important thing in life is to learn God's will and choose to do it. But it's so easy to doubt that we're doing that each day, whoever you are, wherever you are in the world.
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