This morning I was talking with Lindsay about the strange peace I've felt for the past few months. I was saying how amazing it's been that I've been able to love this life we're living in Atlanta, even as a possible move lurks around the corner. I wondered what had caused this unexpected bout of emotional health in a situation where I would normally be falling apart. I don't like leaving people or places, and I don't like new and different, and yet here I am, starting down both with a smile on my face, without having made any deliberate effort to do so.
Tonight I was feeding Eleanor and it hit me. It's her. Having a child is like meeting a part of yourself you never consciously knew was there. Each of my children has introduced me to myself in some new way. And Ellie's greatest gift (in my opinion, at least), her contentedness, has taught me by example.
If I could sum up Eleanor's life philosophy it would be this: Trust the universe. Someone will feed you and clean you up, eventually. Someone will give you hugs and kisses. Interesting things will cross your field of vision if you just stay still and wait for them. Your eyes will adjust to the darkness. You will finally wiggle your way over to that plastic dinosaur. You will learn to like yogurt. It will be okay- all of it.
She is extraordinarily happy, this child. It's a mystery to me, especially after her fireball of a sister (in whom I see much of myself). She's changed me- she's changed all of us. We smile more because of her. We take more deep breaths.
We know that good things are coming our way.
5 comments:
I need some of Ellie's philosophy right about now!!!
I have so many comments about this post... how can we talk for almost 2 hours and still have so much to say?
1) That picture at the top made me seriously laugh out loud. I. LOVE. IT! And it seriously illustrates your point perfectly. Beautiful plate of food just beyond her grasp, yet she's content to chew on the table for a while. :)
2) Miles also loved the picture and laughed along with me. I then had trouble reading the paragraph underneath because he KEPT laughing and biting my leg to show me just what 'the baby' was doing.
3) He didn't recognize it was Ellie (and I didn't think to tell him at that point) until he saw the second picture and exclaimed "MAH-LEY! MAH-LEY! Dat Mah-ley?" "Yep, that's Marley," I said. "Oh! And baby Ellie?" He was quite excited and wouldn't let me scroll down from the picture for quite a while.
4) I love the idea of each of your children changing your family in very personal ways. Of course they do... but somehow you put a fresh spin on it for me just now. This will be a post that she will treasure forever. Even I felt a lump in my throat at the end of the post... I can't imagine what it will do for her through the hard moments in her life.
5) You've inspired me to relax and go enjoy my morning of grocery shopping with Miles. Thanks, Ellie. :)
Oh yeah, and 6) Miles also wanted to know if it was 'baby Jesus' in the front pack with you.
Awwww! I've got a chill baby too, and you're right! He's changed us for the better and I hadn't noticed! Thanks for pointing it out.
I love it! I love it when people figure out deep stuff like this--mostly because it seems like you just GET IT, and are really thinking about what's going on in your life, something I don't do too well. Good job! She's a darling baby :)
You are so right, baby peace is the most wonderful thing in the world.
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